We Need A King! (Revised)

Why America is Ready...but Please Let It Not Be Trump

Sitting in Greece, far from my home country, with views of the Mediterranean and a lot of solar-powered water tanks on rooftops, my perspectives on many areas of life have changed. Maybe it’s because Greece welcomed back its royal family (well, sort of). Or Spain did when I lived there in the '70s, or watching how, despite affairs and other embarrassments, the Danish King and Queen of Denmark represent their country. But today, on the occasion of America’s “No Kings Day” on October 18th—and with “No Kings Day 2: Electric Revolution” lighting up next weekend, I can’t help but wonder if we Americans have taken this whole “independence” thing a bit too far. After nearly 250 years of unfiltered democracy, maybe it’s time to admit: we peaked in 1776. Perhaps the only way forward… is back, back to the comforting embrace of the Crown. After years of ungovernable freedom, maybe it’s time to swallow our pride, put on our powdered wigs, and write a tearful apology letter to Buckingham Palace: “We’ve made a terrible mistake. Sorry about that whole tea party thing. And the revolution? Big blunder.”

Because look around. The country is led by a celebrity hack who hates to be photographed without his orange make-up. Pop culture and politics have morphed into one giant reality show with no finale in sight.

Let’s face it: democracy has become a group chat no one can mute. It’s totally off the rails. All drama, no self-awareness, and half the country gets dumped on every four years. Meanwhile, the British seem perfectly content with their royal family: fewer scandals (relatively), better accents, and actual crowns. We won’t talk about the Duke of York. Or sibling rivalry.

Imagine the serenity of rule under King Charles III: dignified, botanical, and blissfully above Twitter wars. No campaign slogans—just royal seals. No debates—just decrees. Instead of campaign rallies, we’d get parades with horses and tasteful brass bands.

Or picture Prince William and Princess Kate, America’s new national parents—reigning over Buckingham East (formerly known as the White House). Every Christmas, a televised royal address where the worst controversy is whether Kate’s outfit “slayed.” The press wouldn’t be banned; they’d be invited for tea. No one storms out of a press conference when the host nation believes in freedom of speech.

And honestly, this would fix the generational divide overnight. Gen Z, meet your new government: Love Island (Monarch Edition). Picture this—ten royals meet ten Americans from all over America. They vie for one crown, and it all takes place in a “cottage” in Windsor. Each week, the public votes to “recouple” the line of succession. Loser gets exiled to Alaska. It’s The Crown meets Love Island—“I’m loyal, babe, just not constitutionally.”

Even the economy would thank us. A monarchy is basically an infinite content franchise: royal weddings, royal scandals, royal babies—each one a global event and a tourism windfall. Meanwhile, our Congress can barely trend on TikTok without someone resigning mid-thread.

And the fashion! Imagine State of the Union as Met Gala meets Parliament. Every senator in a fascinator or a top hat and tails. Filibusters replaced by polite curtsies. The only walls we’d argue about are castle ones.

Under a monarch, we’d finally have what America’s been missing: stability, elegance, and an excuse to say “Your Majesty” unironically. After all, “We the People” was a cute idea. But now we need better branding.

So, as you raise a glass this “No Kings Day,” maybe make it a pint. Because after 250 years of self-rule, maybe what this country really needs isn’t another election—it’s a coronation.

God Save America. Preferably from itself.